That Barack Obama is so hot right now. In his first speech to a joint session of Congress, he got more clap than the porn industry. Gave out more autographs than Jeri Ryan at Comic-Con. Garnered more applause than a … a … an applause sign. He’s so hot that I got a heat rash from his searing popularity while I was just sitting on my couch watching him speak.
But President Obama wasn’t the only one burning up the airwaves last night. There were plenty of things that were hot as hell. And here’s your guide to what was up, down, hot, not, cold, bold, lame or like totally OMG!!!
Hot:
- Clapping: The act of putting your hands together in a percussive gesture of approval is always hot when a president speaks in front of a joint session of Congress. It also acts as a thermometer — telling us what is hot and what’s just lukewarm.
- Standing as a bi-partisan gesture: Removing one’s self from one’s seat usually pairs well with clapping — capitalizing on some of the heat clapping creates. But during Obama’s speech there was an unusual amount of bi-partisan uprightness. Look out in the future, standing may even be so hot it surpasses meeting invites as the Beltway’s favorite empty bi-partisan gesture.
- Molestation: Last night the flame of uncomfortable touching was burning super hot, especially as another form of bi-partisanship, and, apparently, as an acceptable replacement for the regular handshake. The only way Obama could have enjoyed all of that is if he were rolling on X.
- Eric Holder: Being chosen as the man in the secure, undisclosed location is a sign of how scorching hot you are — they have to contain your hotness so nobody gets hurt. Actually, for all of these big political events, there’s always a member of the Cabinet who is taken to a secure, undisclosed location so there will be someone left to run the country in case all the other important people are killed. The only drawback for Holder is that I’m about 98 percent sure the secure, undisclosed location is actually the lockbox they kept Cheney in for the last eight years.
- Making history: Everything about the address was historic. The first time a black president has spoken to a joint session of Congress. The first time a black first lady was in attendance. The first time a black president was nearly booed by the Republican section of the audience during a joint session of Congress. The first time Nancy Pelosi smiled during a joint session — a joint session of Congress, that is — as Speaker of the House. The first time many of the southern Republican members of Congress have ever made eye contact with a black man.
- Education: Judging from the rousing claps and bi-partisan standing that occurred during the section in Obama’s speech about education, it’s pretty damn hot. Hopefully some of that hotness can warm up some of more underfunded schools that have gone without heat for the last eight years.
- Supporting our troops: The patriotic, military sentiment was even hotter last night than during the peak of the magnetic-car-decoration phase. I wonder if some of this hotness was produced by a surprise appearance by country singer Toby Keith, who apparently — before the speech — was in the hallway threatening to stick a boot in the ass of the last member of Congress to stand up anytime the troops were even mentioned.
- Loving America: The longest applause of the night was probably for a part in the speech about everyone’s love of our country. The first one to sit down would have been branded a goddamn commie, stripped naked, spray painted red and thrown out into the streets of DC.
- Loving the band, America: Still not so hot.
Surprise hotness flair-ups
- Joe Biden: Obama said, and this is a direct quote, “Nobody messes with Joe.” Really? But the mention by Obama, and an assignment to do something that will give Biden a break from his usual daily routine — mainly roaming around Washington talking to homeless people about Scranton — has made Joe Biden hot, most likely for the first time.
- Oversight: The mention of oversight got a bi-partisan round of applause and a little stand-up session. That’s kind of weird for oversight to catch fire now, because it has been absent in Washington for about the last decade.
Honorable mention: Complete sentences
Not:
- State of the Union: That’s exactly what it was. But because of the disdain the public has showed for the phrase we now have to refer to this as a speech to a joint session of Congress — or the definition of the State of the Union. I think State of the Union has switched into the not category because of jokes like this one: “State of the Union, ha, it’s going to be one word long — fucked.” I think I’m mostly responsible for that.
- Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: The choice of an olive green poncho-like garment was the worst fashion decision of the night — which is saying a lot, since Hilary Clinton’s neon-pink jacket is wholly responsible for the retinal attachment surgery I have the pleasure of suffering through later this week. Come on, Nancy, this is history, not a trip to your fucking faith healer.
- Banks: There was no applause or standing ovation for the banks. More than that, they were a target. When Obama said, “It’s not about helping the banks, it’s about helping the people,” the room exploded. I guess on the meter of hotness, banks are about as sizzling as three-day old oatmeal.
- Government aesthetics: Goddamn, we elect some old, ugly people, don’t we? It looked like they were cutting to a bingo crowd at a retirement home in Uglyville, Florida. Even bringing Mickey Rourke in would have improved the overall attractiveness of the room.
- Post-Clap Arthritic reactions: The only way arthritis is hot is if Bengay is involved. All that clapping has to have an effect on those old hands and wrists. I’d hate to think that would slow down the completely un-ironic TWITtering going on, on the hill.
- Chairs: When standing is hot, chairs are not. Unless the chairs are physically hot, and then standing is just necessary.
- Columns: As if it wasn’t bad enough that our handsome, vibrant president had to stand in front of the poncho-wearing, Gecko-esque Speaker of the House and his sometime comatose VP, there were those awful columns. Gold-veined, black columns look trashy. I don’t care how expensive they were; it makes the chamber look like Cezar’s Place, a Caesar’s Palace-knockoff in Winnemucca.
- CNN commentary: Those watching the address on CNN were treated to some of the least-hot analysis of the night. It was blazing hot to talk about hip-hop and politics during Hurrican Katrina. All the scorch has totally been removed from that flame, now, though. It was surprising that hip-hop and politics were even still warm after new RNC Chairman Michael Steele’s recent assault on people’s sensibilities. But that heat went completely cold, the hot went totally not, after an exchange between CNN pundit (and cable fishing show host) Roland Martin and Anderson Cooper.
Martin, commenting on the ambitiousness of Obama’s agenda, compared the president’s comments to those of Kanye West before one of his albums came out. Apparently, Kanye said he wanted it to be better than a Stevie Wonder classic.
Anderson followed up by saying that Republicans must be 50 Cent, then.
If you ignore the total stupidity of it, I guess that analogy sort of works. 50 Cent is always talking about being “In da club.” For Republicans, that club just happens to be of the country variety.
A new favorite Daily Show moment.
In non-Obama news, Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame was one of the smut slingers who was asking the federal government, seriously, to bailout the porn industry. Well, today, we got A New Definition of the Porn Bailout.
I'm not sure porn needs another Angelina-Jolie knock off, but I fear Nadya better take it or this may happen.
10 years ago
.JPG)
"Rolls on both ends, of the sexual spectrum."You want to talk about hot. Could politics be any more erotic than that?
ReplyDelete