Headlines and Dumb Asses (aka creativity escapes me)

Note: I only read the headlines, not the stories. What do you want from me? I’m lazy, and it’s Friday.

U.S. will not attend U.N. conference on racism: What, we elect a black man president and then we play like racism is gone? That shit’s whack.

Jonas Bros. movie may foretell an end to innocence: I wish it were foretelling an end to their reign of terror. That’s a story I would read.

Octuplets’ mom turns down offer of a home and nursing care: Nayda, sweetie, now isn’t the time to be proud. It’s either this or porn. This seems more sensible than having to star in OctoMom 8: A Different Type of In Vitro Fertilization.

Man held after mailing HIV-tainted blood to Obama: You really know we’re poor when domestic terrorists don’t have the cash to afford anthrax, or anything good, and instead have to turn to their own blood — just because it’s free … and happens to contain the HIV virus.

How to get Michelle Obama's toned arms is right above this: Pentagon lifts media ban on photos of war dead. No comment.

Tom Brady marries Gisele Bundchen: The new Brangelina?: Don’t suppress your desire to come up with some stupid, bullshit celebrity-name mash-up. Just come out with it. BRADCHEN. On second thought, that sounds like the name of an Asian cable-news reporter.

Engaged Kendra Wilkinson Says She'll Miss Hugh Hefner: She must really love silky pajamas. In related news, David Baker Says He’ll Never Miss Kendra Wilkinson if She Drops Off the Face of the Earth, Fingers Are Reportedly Crossed.

Season tickets are more complicated than they used to be: You pay a shitload of money, you get a season’s worth of tickets, and you hand them to the elderly usher. Either that, or you scalp them. What’s so fucking complicated about that? The only thing complicated might be finding the money to actually pay for the damn things.

Canada gets tough on gangs: It’s aboot time. Those roving gangs of hockey-loving, Molson-drinking, Rush fanatics were really bothering the polar bears. Did I get all the Canadian stereotypes in there, aye? Shit, I forgot this, “Hey you crazy Canucks stop stealing our ham and calling it bacon.” There. Now it’s complete.

In 4-diet study, all lost weight if they watched their calories: Thank you, USA Today. Also in the health section: In a 4-apartment study, all males got erections when they watched pornography.

McCain backs Obama Iraq pullout plan: You don’t need to look at financial indicators to tell you the world is ending. This headline is enough.

Dumb Ass of the Week

Most people are picking on Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal after what was an atrocious response to Obama’s first address to a joint session of Congress on Tuesday night. I’d also like to personal thank Gov. Jindal for ruining my favorite show, 30 Rock. Now, every time Kenneth the Page spits out a hilariously folksy colloquialism, my mind not longer triggers laughter, instead, it harkens back to that God-awful story-time session. I’d rather have had resident Republican-fake-George-Hamilton John Boehner read the modern children’s classic, Little GOP Train That Fucking Derailed and Tried to Take America Down With It.

Why has all the laughter gone away?

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But Jindal would be the trendy pick. And I’m not sure I’d be confusing incompetence with dumbassity. That’s a common mistake.

Earning this week’s award for Dumb Ass Behavior in a Leading Political or Current Events Role is going to an ensemble cast of morons: Any cable news person currently discussing who the Republicans are running in 2012.

What these assholes fail to realize is that if we don’t turn this shit-barge around, there may not be any 2012 election to worry about. There were no elections in Mad Max — at least not one you'd want to watch Wolf Blitzer cover.

And the weight of fault doesn’t rest totally on the shoulders of the anchors and pundits — they’re just the faces. The producers are to blame, too. They can share in this Dumb Ass of the Week honor.

I wish they would spend the time they waste on this 2012 bullshit on in-depth stories about the stimulus package. Maybe even pieces that help the average lip-chewing shithead to understand just what the fuck has happened to us and how we are trying to fix it. God, I really wish they would pay someone on TV to do that sort of important journalism.