I understand the acronym stems from a fairly aptly named—considering the original intent of the bill, not necessarily the application of it—piece of legislation.
But, we really named the bailout plan TARP? Like the flimsy plastic covering? The kind that rots easily in the sun, or blows away in the wind if not properly tied down (the latter being a metaphor for the need for strict oversight of the distribution of the $700 billion?)?
A TARP is the thing that’s going to shelter us from this financial shitrain?
“Get out the TARP, Timmy. CEOs ‘re fallin’ from the dadgum sky.”
Fuck. Why couldn’t we call it something that suggests a little more safety and security? HOUSE? CABIN? Or LEAN-TO—at the very least?
Those acronyms don’t encapsulate what the program was designed to do, though. But, it’s all just rhetoric, anyway. Hold on, I think I might be able to get those to actually work:
- HOUSE: Help Out the United States' Economy
- CABIN: Country All But InsolveNt
- LEAN-TO: Listen Everyone, America Now in The Outhouse (“In” would stand in for the hyphen.)
Maybe they don’t fit as perfectly as TARP, but any one of those acronyms would provide a better mental image. Every time a news anchor says, “Today, President Obama pushed for a limit on executive compensation to be included in TARP,” I imagine a hundred million Americans immediately seeing blue tarps shading them from the elements in some shantytown.
Come to think of it, HOUSE wouldn’t be much better. Hearing that would only remind people that in a few months they might not have one.
Big Brother, and not like the reality TV show
There’s been talk in the Utah Legislature about eliminating private club memberships. I must say: Finally. I’ve only been going to bars for 22 months, but I’m already sick of having to buy a membership. And you don’t even get a hat, or a patch, or a card that saves you five percent on balloon animals at the local carnival. Nothing. It’s a wholly benefit-less membership (except that you get to drink at that bar, which, depending on the bar, may not be too much of a boon), and—most importantly, it’s a hassle.
Utah can’t give drinkers too much unbridled hope for normalcy, though. Mixed in with the good news about bills eliminating these idiotic attempts at legislating morality is an affront to freedom so shocking, Dick Cheney even shakes his head in disgust at the prospect. There has been talk by a few Republicans to use electronic ID scanners to both verify age and create a database that would store information about every person entering a bar in Utah, on any given day.
This is why 1984 should be required reading.
Most legislators from both parties seem to at least recognize the Orwellian implications of such a database. But, some are still talking bullshit about the database helping law enforcement regulate drinking and driving—something even law enforcement officials seem reticent to acknowledge as a useful tool for them in the fight against drunk drivers. These same legislators, in virtually the same breath, start hedging their bets with: “Well, we know it would look like Big Brother, and that’s not the intent.” The very idea that they would even be thinking about—no matter how serious the consideration turns out to be—something so fucking intrusive should make all of our stomachs turn. And coming from a party that trumpets, at every opportunity, it’s relentless pursuit to remove government from your lives. Thirty-two hand slaps for all you Republican ideologues who have somehow forgotten this “important” axiom.
In reading the Deseret News article from Tuesday, Feb. 3 on the potential of a database, the last graf of the story also struck me.
“The LDS Church, which has long opposed what has been called "liquor by the drink," expressed interest in electronic ID verification systems during a recent meeting with Republican legislative leaders. The church has not taken a position on any proposals, however.”
My initial reaction was this: Can you take liquor intravenously and Big Joe would be cool with it? And, taking a gargantuan juvenile turn, where does the Butt Chug fit into that dogma?
The second thought that entered my head was far more significant, at least in a political/sociological sense. What interest does the LDS Church have in electronic ID verification systems—and I’m assuming, the database of information, which would result from that system, as well? For me, it would boil down to the fact that the LDS Church would have at least minor interest in crosschecking the sinner database with their own list of members. See who’s been a bad little puppy. I’m not sure what would come of that, but I just bet they’d like to know how many of their members are hanging at shitty dive bars at any given time.
Let me project what I think the Church’s response message would be to such an allegation: “We don’t want any of the sheep to stray, and this is just another tool to help people strive to live more Christ-like lives.”
To be fair, I don’t think the Mormons would be the only ones using the database to help achieve a higher calling, though. Religious organizations, in general, tend to have an interest in the holiness—or at least the appearance of something similar—by their leaders and followers. Especially the leaders. I can just see a newsletter headline from any church, of any sect:
“Worship leader caught attending local bar, loses job
UTAH—Thanks to the new Utah sinner database, our worship leader has been removed from office for hanging out at the Dawg Pound.”
Who’s to say employers wouldn’t try to see when their employees frequented bars? Or, what if the electronic verification makes its way into your local gas station or supermarket?
That freedom-crushing snowball could certainly gain momentum, quickly. All it needs is that first push. Hopefully (are you ready for the big bullshit sign-off?) liberty's warming rays will melt the snow of tyranny before the bastards even have a chance to pull their mittens on.
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