Headlines and Dumb Asses (aka creativity escapes me)

Note: I only read the headlines, not the stories. What do you want from me? I’m lazy, and it’s Friday.

U.S. will not attend U.N. conference on racism: What, we elect a black man president and then we play like racism is gone? That shit’s whack.

Jonas Bros. movie may foretell an end to innocence: I wish it were foretelling an end to their reign of terror. That’s a story I would read.

Octuplets’ mom turns down offer of a home and nursing care: Nayda, sweetie, now isn’t the time to be proud. It’s either this or porn. This seems more sensible than having to star in OctoMom 8: A Different Type of In Vitro Fertilization.

Man held after mailing HIV-tainted blood to Obama: You really know we’re poor when domestic terrorists don’t have the cash to afford anthrax, or anything good, and instead have to turn to their own blood — just because it’s free … and happens to contain the HIV virus.

How to get Michelle Obama's toned arms is right above this: Pentagon lifts media ban on photos of war dead. No comment.

Tom Brady marries Gisele Bundchen: The new Brangelina?: Don’t suppress your desire to come up with some stupid, bullshit celebrity-name mash-up. Just come out with it. BRADCHEN. On second thought, that sounds like the name of an Asian cable-news reporter.

Engaged Kendra Wilkinson Says She'll Miss Hugh Hefner: She must really love silky pajamas. In related news, David Baker Says He’ll Never Miss Kendra Wilkinson if She Drops Off the Face of the Earth, Fingers Are Reportedly Crossed.

Season tickets are more complicated than they used to be: You pay a shitload of money, you get a season’s worth of tickets, and you hand them to the elderly usher. Either that, or you scalp them. What’s so fucking complicated about that? The only thing complicated might be finding the money to actually pay for the damn things.

Canada gets tough on gangs: It’s aboot time. Those roving gangs of hockey-loving, Molson-drinking, Rush fanatics were really bothering the polar bears. Did I get all the Canadian stereotypes in there, aye? Shit, I forgot this, “Hey you crazy Canucks stop stealing our ham and calling it bacon.” There. Now it’s complete.

In 4-diet study, all lost weight if they watched their calories: Thank you, USA Today. Also in the health section: In a 4-apartment study, all males got erections when they watched pornography.

McCain backs Obama Iraq pullout plan: You don’t need to look at financial indicators to tell you the world is ending. This headline is enough.

Dumb Ass of the Week

Most people are picking on Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal after what was an atrocious response to Obama’s first address to a joint session of Congress on Tuesday night. I’d also like to personal thank Gov. Jindal for ruining my favorite show, 30 Rock. Now, every time Kenneth the Page spits out a hilariously folksy colloquialism, my mind not longer triggers laughter, instead, it harkens back to that God-awful story-time session. I’d rather have had resident Republican-fake-George-Hamilton John Boehner read the modern children’s classic, Little GOP Train That Fucking Derailed and Tried to Take America Down With It.

Why has all the laughter gone away?

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But Jindal would be the trendy pick. And I’m not sure I’d be confusing incompetence with dumbassity. That’s a common mistake.

Earning this week’s award for Dumb Ass Behavior in a Leading Political or Current Events Role is going to an ensemble cast of morons: Any cable news person currently discussing who the Republicans are running in 2012.

What these assholes fail to realize is that if we don’t turn this shit-barge around, there may not be any 2012 election to worry about. There were no elections in Mad Max — at least not one you'd want to watch Wolf Blitzer cover.

And the weight of fault doesn’t rest totally on the shoulders of the anchors and pundits — they’re just the faces. The producers are to blame, too. They can share in this Dumb Ass of the Week honor.

I wish they would spend the time they waste on this 2012 bullshit on in-depth stories about the stimulus package. Maybe even pieces that help the average lip-chewing shithead to understand just what the fuck has happened to us and how we are trying to fix it. God, I really wish they would pay someone on TV to do that sort of important journalism.

Night of a million claps

That Barack Obama is so hot right now. In his first speech to a joint session of Congress, he got more clap than the porn industry. Gave out more autographs than Jeri Ryan at Comic-Con. Garnered more applause than a … a … an applause sign. He’s so hot that I got a heat rash from his searing popularity while I was just sitting on my couch watching him speak.

But President Obama wasn’t the only one burning up the airwaves last night. There were plenty of things that were hot as hell. And here’s your guide to what was up, down, hot, not, cold, bold, lame or like totally OMG!!!

Hot:

- Clapping: The act of putting your hands together in a percussive gesture of approval is always hot when a president speaks in front of a joint session of Congress. It also acts as a thermometer — telling us what is hot and what’s just lukewarm.

- Standing as a bi-partisan gesture: Removing one’s self from one’s seat usually pairs well with clapping — capitalizing on some of the heat clapping creates. But during Obama’s speech there was an unusual amount of bi-partisan uprightness. Look out in the future, standing may even be so hot it surpasses meeting invites as the Beltway’s favorite empty bi-partisan gesture.

- Molestation: Last night the flame of uncomfortable touching was burning super hot, especially as another form of bi-partisanship, and, apparently, as an acceptable replacement for the regular handshake. The only way Obama could have enjoyed all of that is if he were rolling on X.

- Eric Holder: Being chosen as the man in the secure, undisclosed location is a sign of how scorching hot you are — they have to contain your hotness so nobody gets hurt. Actually, for all of these big political events, there’s always a member of the Cabinet who is taken to a secure, undisclosed location so there will be someone left to run the country in case all the other important people are killed. The only drawback for Holder is that I’m about 98 percent sure the secure, undisclosed location is actually the lockbox they kept Cheney in for the last eight years.

- Making history: Everything about the address was historic. The first time a black president has spoken to a joint session of Congress. The first time a black first lady was in attendance. The first time a black president was nearly booed by the Republican section of the audience during a joint session of Congress. The first time Nancy Pelosi smiled during a joint session — a joint session of Congress, that is — as Speaker of the House. The first time many of the southern Republican members of Congress have ever made eye contact with a black man.

- Education: Judging from the rousing claps and bi-partisan standing that occurred during the section in Obama’s speech about education, it’s pretty damn hot. Hopefully some of that hotness can warm up some of more underfunded schools that have gone without heat for the last eight years.

- Supporting our troops: The patriotic, military sentiment was even hotter last night than during the peak of the magnetic-car-decoration phase. I wonder if some of this hotness was produced by a surprise appearance by country singer Toby Keith, who apparently — before the speech — was in the hallway threatening to stick a boot in the ass of the last member of Congress to stand up anytime the troops were even mentioned.

- Loving America: The longest applause of the night was probably for a part in the speech about everyone’s love of our country. The first one to sit down would have been branded a goddamn commie, stripped naked, spray painted red and thrown out into the streets of DC.

- Loving the band, America: Still not so hot.

Surprise hotness flair-ups
- Joe Biden: Obama said, and this is a direct quote, “Nobody messes with Joe.” Really? But the mention by Obama, and an assignment to do something that will give Biden a break from his usual daily routine — mainly roaming around Washington talking to homeless people about Scranton — has made Joe Biden hot, most likely for the first time.

- Oversight: The mention of oversight got a bi-partisan round of applause and a little stand-up session. That’s kind of weird for oversight to catch fire now, because it has been absent in Washington for about the last decade.

Honorable mention: Complete sentences

Not:

- State of the Union: That’s exactly what it was. But because of the disdain the public has showed for the phrase we now have to refer to this as a speech to a joint session of Congress — or the definition of the State of the Union. I think State of the Union has switched into the not category because of jokes like this one: “State of the Union, ha, it’s going to be one word long — fucked.” I think I’m mostly responsible for that.

- Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: The choice of an olive green poncho-like garment was the worst fashion decision of the night — which is saying a lot, since Hilary Clinton’s neon-pink jacket is wholly responsible for the retinal attachment surgery I have the pleasure of suffering through later this week. Come on, Nancy, this is history, not a trip to your fucking faith healer.

- Banks: There was no applause or standing ovation for the banks. More than that, they were a target. When Obama said, “It’s not about helping the banks, it’s about helping the people,” the room exploded. I guess on the meter of hotness, banks are about as sizzling as three-day old oatmeal.

- Government aesthetics: Goddamn, we elect some old, ugly people, don’t we? It looked like they were cutting to a bingo crowd at a retirement home in Uglyville, Florida. Even bringing Mickey Rourke in would have improved the overall attractiveness of the room.

- Post-Clap Arthritic reactions: The only way arthritis is hot is if Bengay is involved. All that clapping has to have an effect on those old hands and wrists. I’d hate to think that would slow down the completely un-ironic TWITtering going on, on the hill.

- Chairs: When standing is hot, chairs are not. Unless the chairs are physically hot, and then standing is just necessary.

- Columns: As if it wasn’t bad enough that our handsome, vibrant president had to stand in front of the poncho-wearing, Gecko-esque Speaker of the House and his sometime comatose VP, there were those awful columns. Gold-veined, black columns look trashy. I don’t care how expensive they were; it makes the chamber look like Cezar’s Place, a Caesar’s Palace-knockoff in Winnemucca.

- CNN commentary: Those watching the address on CNN were treated to some of the least-hot analysis of the night. It was blazing hot to talk about hip-hop and politics during Hurrican Katrina. All the scorch has totally been removed from that flame, now, though. It was surprising that hip-hop and politics were even still warm after new RNC Chairman Michael Steele’s recent assault on people’s sensibilities. But that heat went completely cold, the hot went totally not, after an exchange between CNN pundit (and cable fishing show host) Roland Martin and Anderson Cooper.

Martin, commenting on the ambitiousness of Obama’s agenda, compared the president’s comments to those of Kanye West before one of his albums came out. Apparently, Kanye said he wanted it to be better than a Stevie Wonder classic.

Anderson followed up by saying that Republicans must be 50 Cent, then.

If you ignore the total stupidity of it, I guess that analogy sort of works. 50 Cent is always talking about being “In da club.” For Republicans, that club just happens to be of the country variety.

A new favorite Daily Show moment.

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In non-Obama news, Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame was one of the smut slingers who was asking the federal government, seriously, to bailout the porn industry. Well, today, we got A New Definition of the Porn Bailout.

I'm not sure porn needs another Angelina-Jolie knock off, but I fear Nadya better take it or this may happen.

The Intolerant Mr. Buttars

The Iraq War was supposed to make us safer. Instead, it has driven up the number of young Muslims so overwrought with anti-American sentiment that they eventually express it through the killing of our soldiers in Iraq — or the innocent civilians on our soil. Although he’d never admit any of this, George Bush, for eight years, was probably the best recruiting tool Osama Bin Laden ever had.

That brings us to Utah State Senator Chris Buttars, who is … well … out of his fucking mind. (And, he’d tell you that’s exactly what the liberal media wants people to believe.) Buttars, in one of the funniest — that is if it weren’t so horrifying — interviews ever done for a documentary, compared members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community to radical Muslims, saying they were the greatest threat to America. No one should be surprised, Buttars has been fighting for the last eight years to keep any bill with the letters “g”, “a” and “y” remotely close to each other from getting a sniff in the Utah Legislature.

I bet his pal Gayle Ruzicka at the Eagle Forum, a conservative lobby in Utah, is more than happy Buttars was able to join forces with her and save the legislature from all things gay. But really, how does Mr. Buttars find the time, especially when he has to continue his personal crusade to destroy tact, human decency, dignity and the shred of normalcy Utah somehow holds on to when viewed through the eyes of the rest of the world? I very well may be wrong about the normalcy part, actually.

I’ll never know the answer, but I bet if we ever could safely get close enough to Dick Cheney to study how that monster refuels itself, we’d find a lot of insights into the seemingly never-ending energy supply of the Intolerant Mr. Buttars. You may not remember, but Buttars has not only shown that he’s a bigot, but his comments last year on the senate floor smack of racist tendencies as well. Either way, he’s so damn proud of his eight years of holding back gay rights that he’s created this delusional, self-aggrandized view of himself as the de facto defender of the sanctity of straight, Mormon family unit. I'm just assuming the Mormon part, but it seems like a logical assumption to make.

Well, I think that’s all about to end.

I’m about as much of a weatherman as Joaquin Phoenix is a rapper, but I see Buttars’ comments getting at least a sprinkle of national exposure. And that exposure would be good. The more people are talking about this, the more light is shed on just how insane this man actually is.

I have a theory: When you’re exposed to unbridled evil, you have no choice — as a cognizant human being — to rebel against that evil, or at least have sympathy for those that are directly harmed. Why do you think so many soldiers come back from a war and suddenly go all peacenik? They’ve looked evil in the eyes — the killing of other humans being the evil in question — and have no choice but to be repulsed by it.

I hope that happens with the Buttars situation. This crisp, clear vision of insanity may finally open some less-crazy, Buttars-ish people to see the issues through the haze and maybe cause a slide to the middle on some of these issues. Those distancing themselves from crazy extremism tend to do that — act more moderate to compensate.

In the least, I think the other members of the GOP Caucus in the Utah Legislature — those who have even a fiber of shame or human decency left — will be humiliated, and start apologizing for their crazy ol’ Uncle Buttars. Maybe, and this may be wishful thinking on my part, they will express that remorse by opening up a little bit to the people at Common Ground when it comes to some of the more moderate gay rights initiatives. I’m not Buttars enough to think Utah will legalize gay marriage in the next 10 years. But, if visitation rights, or something similar, comes out of this, that would be great. And wouldn't that be the biggest slap in the face to Buttars; if he were — through his hateful comments — obliquely responsible for the advancement of gay rights in Utah.

There’s already some indication this sympathy for gay rights may happen. The Deseret News ran a story that said Utah Republicans are pushing to get new work started on versions of the Common Ground bills that they say would establish a middle ground on some of the issues. And all of that most likely sprung from the comments Buttars made.

Even if the insanity of one Chris Buttars does end up making a positive difference, some people probably still wonder if the man himself could ever reform. Well, Alan Greenspan went from being so in love with free-market capitalism that he wanted to give Adam Smith a handjob, to admitting in The Financial Times that we’re going to have to nationalize some banks to stabalize the economy.

So, Buttars, there is hope.

It sounds like Mr. Buttars is a shoe-in for Dumb Ass of the Week, but he goes above and beyond dumb ass. So far, in fact, that I feel like it would be an insult to him to bestow that honor upon him.

So, this week, it’s a tie between the chimp cartoonist and the person in Connecticut who owned the actual chimp that ripped someone’s face off.

First, the chimp cartoon was not only racist, but it was stupid. If you’re going to push the line with some good satire — fine by me. This was not good satire. Or even satire at all, really. It’s just stupid, racist bullshit. I actually can’t believe Carlos Mencia wasn’t the artist.

Second, the chimp owner: Why the fuck do you give a chimp Xanax? You can’t just medicate a wild animal into submission. I hope this might cement in people’s heads that wild animals are … how to put this? … wild fucking animals. At anytime, they are liable to do something insane and wild — hence the name — including ripping your goddamn face clean off of your head.

Lastly, a request: Enough of the Obama-Hope-Picture Effect on everything. We get it, it’s great; you’re red, beige and blue. Good for you. You’re still not the fucking President.


A different form of Buttars being Buttars. Hopefully we can get a Worst Persons repeat.

From the department of hopelessly trite wordplay: Obaminations

It could have made a great sitcom in the Oscar Madison and Felix Unger vein. Jokes about doing dishes molded into politicized versions about the fiscal policy needed to pick up after eight years of possibly the messiest houseguest in the history of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.



But, alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg, a conservative Republican — who voted with his party 77.4 percent of the time (according the Washington Post’s voting profile of Gregg) — finally came to a conclusion anyone devoting three seconds of intelligent thought about his appointment as Secretary of Commerce had long ago: This probably is a bad marriage.

Maybe even worse than Pam Anderson and [insert egomaniacal cock rocker here] or Liz Taylor and absolutely anyone.

Gregg certainly would have represented a nearly essential foodstuff in the Cabinet of rivals Obama has been shopping for since his election last November. But in a slot so entrenched in some of the most divisive differences between Democrats and Republicans, it never seemed like a good fit.

As a fair trade disciple and so-called fiscal conservative — a label I’d argue really doesn’t apply to 99.9 percent of those who have served in the government in any capacity in the last eight years — Gregg would have clashed with almost everything Obama would want to do. He certainly wasn’t in love with the nearly $800 billion centerpiece of the president’s economic recovery plan. Although he abstained from voting on the first Senate version of the bill, I imagine he was itching to jump into the ideological fray — and not on Obama’s side.

I don’t doubt that Gregg is intelligent and well qualified for the position at Commerce, which is pretty damn important. He sat on the Budget Committee and, judging from some of the things the man says — aside from the less-than-intellectually-striking football metaphor he used to explain his reasons for withdrawing his nomination — he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. The problem is this: There are a lot of smart, well-qualified people in Washington that are so stymied by their own ideological convictions, and so entrenched in party politics, that they act as nothing more than an anchor point used to tow the party line.

Obama’s attempt at bipartisanship has run into this trap at nearly every turn, and the Gregg back-out is just another bullet for those armed with the antiquated “Obama is all fluffy hope and no practical change” weapon — I guess the antiquated part is just wishful thinking on my part. They’ll say, “Bipartisanship is a dream, and a stupid one.” I think that’s probably wrong.

But, for me, the worst consequence of this rehashing of mostly failed campaign rhetoric is that it doesn’t fit at all into the mosaic my mind is starting to piece together about the Obama Presidency. He strikes me as a pragmatist — something I can appreciate in a politician, especially a new-era Depression one. When Obama says things like, “When the town is burning down, you don’t waste time discussing political affiliations; everyone grabs a hose” (an admittedly rough paraphrase of a pretty damn good statement regarding the current Washington situation), it shows he’s just a man willing to do what it takes to find a solution that works.

However — like many — I’m not sure this Gregg decision reflects that particularly pragmatic side of Obama, either. I would say it’s more a product of the president’s want to be the new Abraham Lincoln, emancipating Americans from financial slavery — only, this Emancipation Proclamation would actually need to free people from foreclosure and job loss, not just make it sound like that’s the case. (Or maybe, in this quagmire, the simple gesture may be enough?) And that’s fine. Lincoln is Obama’s hero. No one is stopping me from pecking the keys on this computer, like my heroes did — most likely on typewriters, actually.

The fact is the Gregg situation would likely have been framed exactly in the manner I suggested earlier — a man finally coming to the realization that the situation simply isn’t going to work out. That is, had there not been any other missteps in the nomination process. Now, it all seems like a symptom of a bigger problem for the president [1], and I have no illusions about this not being the way the Gregg story will be framed by a healthy portion of DC pundits. The only “win” for the Obama Administration is that Gregg’s withdraw had absolutely nothing to do with tax problems.

I guess there may be one other positive way to look at Obama’s nomination woes: In a time when we’re losing jobs by the hundreds of thousands, it’s comforting to know someone is still hiring.

[1]: I think this problem may be nothing more than another projection of Obama’s pragmatic leanings. It sounds a little crazy, right? Well, think about this: Obama overlooked (maybe not intentionally, but maybe subconsciously) some things about nominees that even some crazy Washingtonians saw as very highly qualified for the positions they were slated to hold. He thought, regardless of other circumstances, these people were the practical choices for their positions. Is this an expression of a pragmatic focus on progress and productivity? I tend to think so.

Other jokes and notes that didn’t fit into the semi-adult tone of the previous piece:

- I’m about as shocked about Sen. Gregg backing out of his nomination as I would be if you told me Joaquin Phoenix was now trying to legally marry a dead squirrel he scrapped off of a mountain road.

- I found myself at a lesbian poetry reading the other night. I felt as out of place as Tom Daschle at an H & R Block.

- A fake news headline: President Obama having a harder time filling his Cabinet than most unemployed Americans.

- I’d also like to propose a moratorium on the media’s use of the phrase “mea culpa.” (Not a joke, just a suggestion.)

Mr. Obama, what do you think about the new Baconator at Wendy's?

I stole this page from the notebook of Michael Fletcher, reporter on the national desk at the Washington Post.

Potential questions to ask Obama at his first prime-time press conference

In this stimulus package, how important is the creation of long-term jobs?

What kind of pickle do you prefer?

What could the effects of shortsightedness be if jobs that help stabilize the economy long-term are overlooked in the passing of this legislation?

Do you think Jessica Simpson looks fat?

Are you worried at all about the bill going back to the house to face a Democratic majority that seems unwilling to play bi-partisan ball?

*****Oh, speaking of ball, what do you think about Alex Rodriguez admitting to taking a banned substance?*****

Do you have a favorite character from High School Musical?

Your foreign policy team includes heavyweights like Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, so how do you keep them from stepping on each other’s toes, which is what some say is happening with the visits Mr. Biden has been making recently?

Clintons. Clintons. Oh! Who is your favorite Clinton? Hilary? Bill? George? Or that big red dog? Wait, that’s Clifford. Shit.

Some of the picks for your economic team seem to be rivals. Do you ever worry about their inability to do anything but bicker about ideology?

Who’s better: Bob Barker or Drew Carey?

Note: The stars indicate the question he wisely chose.

I know they didn't allow follow-ups, but they certainly should have allowed Fletcher to ask this: "In light of my last question, Mr. Obama, do you think they should revoke my press credentials?"

Even though he wasted an opportunity to ask an even remotely pertinent question during President Obama’s first primetime press conference, Fletcher probably has suffered enough ridicule. So he’s not my Dumb Ass of the Week.

That honor goes to 33-year-old Nadya Suleman, the woman who just had octuplets.

Here are the facts: She is an unemployed grad student living at her parents house, who already has six kids under the age of 8 and decided it would be an excellent idea to have six embryos placed in her uterus.

Now, with no job and no male counterpart, she gets to take care of 14 in-vitro-fertilized droolers needing food, diapers and emotional support. All while going to graduate school to get her master’s in counseling (After somehow getting a bachelor’s in child development, which she’ll put to use). And, she'll need it. The counseling, that is, not the degree.

What the fuck happened to crazy, single females getting like 60-some-odd cats?

It’s just so much messier when they use children as a balm for their emotional injuries. And, here's a memo to Ms. Suleman: No man in his right mind is going to go within a fucking mile of you. If you can scare a guy off with one kid, you might be able to kill one dead with 14 little crymachines running around puking all over.


Nadya Suleman (left) talks to Anne Curry (right). Photo from the Huffington Post

Bailouts, Big Brother and other attempted alliterations

It’s the Troubled Asset Relief Program—or TARP—and it’s coming to a bank near you, maybe.

I understand the acronym stems from a fairly aptly named—considering the original intent of the bill, not necessarily the application of it—piece of legislation.

But, we really named the bailout plan TARP? Like the flimsy plastic covering? The kind that rots easily in the sun, or blows away in the wind if not properly tied down (the latter being a metaphor for the need for strict oversight of the distribution of the $700 billion?)?

A TARP is the thing that’s going to shelter us from this financial shitrain?

“Get out the TARP, Timmy. CEOs ‘re fallin’ from the dadgum sky.”

Fuck. Why couldn’t we call it something that suggests a little more safety and security? HOUSE? CABIN? Or LEAN-TO—at the very least?

Those acronyms don’t encapsulate what the program was designed to do, though. But, it’s all just rhetoric, anyway. Hold on, I think I might be able to get those to actually work:

- HOUSE: Help Out the United States' Economy

- CABIN: Country All But InsolveNt

- LEAN-TO: Listen Everyone, America Now in The Outhouse (“In” would stand in for the hyphen.)

Maybe they don’t fit as perfectly as TARP, but any one of those acronyms would provide a better mental image. Every time a news anchor says, “Today, President Obama pushed for a limit on executive compensation to be included in TARP,” I imagine a hundred million Americans immediately seeing blue tarps shading them from the elements in some shantytown.

Come to think of it, HOUSE wouldn’t be much better. Hearing that would only remind people that in a few months they might not have one.

Big Brother, and not like the reality TV show

There’s been talk in the Utah Legislature about eliminating private club memberships. I must say: Finally. I’ve only been going to bars for 22 months, but I’m already sick of having to buy a membership. And you don’t even get a hat, or a patch, or a card that saves you five percent on balloon animals at the local carnival. Nothing. It’s a wholly benefit-less membership (except that you get to drink at that bar, which, depending on the bar, may not be too much of a boon), and—most importantly, it’s a hassle.

Utah can’t give drinkers too much unbridled hope for normalcy, though. Mixed in with the good news about bills eliminating these idiotic attempts at legislating morality is an affront to freedom so shocking, Dick Cheney even shakes his head in disgust at the prospect. There has been talk by a few Republicans to use electronic ID scanners to both verify age and create a database that would store information about every person entering a bar in Utah, on any given day.

This is why 1984 should be required reading.

Most legislators from both parties seem to at least recognize the Orwellian implications of such a database. But, some are still talking bullshit about the database helping law enforcement regulate drinking and driving—something even law enforcement officials seem reticent to acknowledge as a useful tool for them in the fight against drunk drivers. These same legislators, in virtually the same breath, start hedging their bets with: “Well, we know it would look like Big Brother, and that’s not the intent.” The very idea that they would even be thinking about—no matter how serious the consideration turns out to be—something so fucking intrusive should make all of our stomachs turn. And coming from a party that trumpets, at every opportunity, it’s relentless pursuit to remove government from your lives. Thirty-two hand slaps for all you Republican ideologues who have somehow forgotten this “important” axiom.

In reading the Deseret News article from Tuesday, Feb. 3 on the potential of a database, the last graf of the story also struck me.

“The LDS Church, which has long opposed what has been called "liquor by the drink," expressed interest in electronic ID verification systems during a recent meeting with Republican legislative leaders. The church has not taken a position on any proposals, however.”

My initial reaction was this: Can you take liquor intravenously and Big Joe would be cool with it? And, taking a gargantuan juvenile turn, where does the Butt Chug fit into that dogma?

The second thought that entered my head was far more significant, at least in a political/sociological sense. What interest does the LDS Church have in electronic ID verification systems—and I’m assuming, the database of information, which would result from that system, as well? For me, it would boil down to the fact that the LDS Church would have at least minor interest in crosschecking the sinner database with their own list of members. See who’s been a bad little puppy. I’m not sure what would come of that, but I just bet they’d like to know how many of their members are hanging at shitty dive bars at any given time.

Let me project what I think the Church’s response message would be to such an allegation: “We don’t want any of the sheep to stray, and this is just another tool to help people strive to live more Christ-like lives.”

To be fair, I don’t think the Mormons would be the only ones using the database to help achieve a higher calling, though. Religious organizations, in general, tend to have an interest in the holiness—or at least the appearance of something similar—by their leaders and followers. Especially the leaders. I can just see a newsletter headline from any church, of any sect:

“Worship leader caught attending local bar, loses job

UTAH—Thanks to the new Utah sinner database, our worship leader has been removed from office for hanging out at the Dawg Pound.”

Who’s to say employers wouldn’t try to see when their employees frequented bars? Or, what if the electronic verification makes its way into your local gas station or supermarket?

That freedom-crushing snowball could certainly gain momentum, quickly. All it needs is that first push. Hopefully (are you ready for the big bullshit sign-off?) liberty's warming rays will melt the snow of tyranny before the bastards even have a chance to pull their mittens on.