A fuzzy Russian hat: Change we can believe in

The speech was good. The crowd was big. And, as a country, we’re officially like a porn star — sans Bush.

You’ve heard all the analysis. Was the speech allusive enough? The tone business instead of pleasure? How cute was Michelle’s dress? Why do we give a fuck about said dress? That’s why I’m not going to repeat it here.

Instead, I want to delve into some of the questions that will probably remain unanswered unless they are brought up here. So on we go, lest we let one minutia of political occurrence go unfucked-with.

Note: These questions and attempted answers are ranked in order of my perceived importance.

1. What the fuck was HW doing wearing that goddamned hat?

There are a couple possible explanations why No. 41 would have chosen to wear a small rodent on his head. He could have been making a statement about communism or just shouting out to some Russian czar he knew during his college years. Possibly, Bush1 just finished the fucking Iditarod.

Was he just a senile old man making a terrible fashion decision? We’re probably lucky he didn’t come in one of Barbara’s dresses, too. Or was it a conscious decision and expression of fatherly love? Because wearing that hat almost took my attention off how shitty his son was as a president. Only for a second, though.

2. Why was Cheney in a wheelchair?

They say it was from moving boxes. I don’t buy it. That’s just the news media speculating. Was his inability to walk a product of his being too tired — and his legs and back too sore — from fucking the country for the last eight years? It could be a visual metaphor for how he and Bush left the country crippled. Maybe he got shot, which would be poetic justice. Either way, I’m sure we’ll never know the truth because, like everything else, the bastard classified the information.

3. Who’s happier: Bush, or the world?

Bush is happier. The world is, no doubt, incredibly relieved, but way too far down in the quickshit to conjure up any feelings resembling happiness.

4. Can you rhyme with Rev. Lowery?

In probably the best moment of the whole ceremony, the old Civil Rights leader showed why black people are cooler than white people. Just think, if Pat Robertson tried to pull off that shit, Jesus would have had to come back just to stop the atrocity.


5. Can Roberts still be considered a strict constructionist after his reading of the oath today?

No. He can still be considered a dumbass, though.

6. Did anyone get the poem?

Not unless you graduated in English Lit, but chances are, you were too busy adding foam to America’s cappaccinos to do a line-by-line analysis.

7. How shitty does Al Gore look?

Here’s an inconvenient truth, Albert: looking at you is like having Bush the Broccoli Hater rip your pubic hair out — one by one — to make his crazy commie headwear.

Being the president ages a man. And seeing the shape Gore’s in after NOT being the president for the last eight years, we might have dodged a real bullet — thanks Katherine Harris.

8. Why didn’t they replace the cello shit with a rap video?

They could have had Obama pouring out some champagne on Sarah Palin, who is chained to a stripper pole. Maybe get Rev. Wright involved, Bill Aires, too.

9. Did Aretha wear enough bow for the rest of the country?

She filled the world’s bow-wearing quota for the next four years.

10. When did Bob Bennett become so important?

They must not have been able to find a more fiendish-looking Mr. Burns clone to hover ominously during the inauguration. Bob Bennett isn’t even important in the Utah delegation, let alone the US Government as a whole. Maybe they just needed someone there that looked worse than Cheney and Gore.