Mr. Speilberg, Mr. Lucas, THIS would be a good use of aliens

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Who needs Johnnie Cochran when you have Kim Kardashian?

Here’s how the headline would read if I were going to write a news story about this: Local man distracted by stupid, bullshit story while reading Google News.

The lede: SALT LAKE CITY — A 22 year-old man’s interest in the relevant news of the day was viciously slain by a headline in the Entertainment section of his Google News page. Eyewitnesses said David Baker was scouring the site for more analysis of the recently passed stimulus package when he ran into this headline: “Kim Kardashian Defends Jessica.”

“Who can blame him?” a random, completely fabricated female source said this morning. “A headline like that one just screams at you, ‘Stupid enough to be interesting.’”

…

Sadly, that’s what happens all too often. And not just to me. But, in my defense, I did read it with the expressed purpose of simply making fun of it. As you read on, ponder this question: Is that still a justifiable reason for reading?

For me, that headline was just too ridiculous to ignore. After more research (aka, clicking on some of the other headlines) I also found out that people think Jessica Simpson is looking fat these days. As a society, that’s what Simpsonian problem we’re focusing on? The fact that she barely has the brainpower to operate her bodily functions and is living under the impression that Puerto Rico is the man who sang “Rico Suave” isn’t the issue?

I’m pretty surprised that I’m surprised about this, actually. A focus on physical attractiveness instead of mental prowess has only been around since the camera obscura and is as interwoven into our national Christmas sweater as freedom, liberty and an unconditional love of talking dog movies.

I’m straying. The real shock here was how Kim Kardashian could defend anyone. The ghost of Robert Kardashian, maybe. But not his daughter—who’s now more famous for fucking a minor R&B star and a former Heisman Trophy winner (two different people) than the kindness she showed in befriending a maniac suffering with a sweeping madness brought on by the advanced stages of syphallis.

I know we’re only talking about defense in the court of public opinion, but it’s just as ridiculous in that context. Kardashian has an ass that could house a new Smithsonian containing a fairly extensive collection of artifacts chronicling the degeneration of human dignity in the last 10 years. The meaning of life, the key to stimulating our economy, ODB’s remains and Rick Moranis’ career are all somewhere in that vast expanse.

Kim’s not really fat, though. Curvy, but not technically fat. And maybe that’s why she comes to the rescue of Jessica Simpson, because she’s defending curvy women everywhere (A note: The simple act of Kardashian having to defend Simpson is a little absurd, but it gets even more absurd in the light of a few “facts.” Apparently, Jessica is a country singer now. Country fans, who are used to dipping Skoal, drinking regular Budweiser and taking home something a little smaller than the bull they paid $150 to ride at a county fair—so they could feel like a real cowboy—don’t care much about curves. Just a pretty face and one song about fucking a man just because he owns a Ford pickup is the ticket to stardom.) Or the two are both in the not-so-exclusive, I’ve Fucked an NFL Player Club that meets bi-monthly at titty bars all across this great country and Kardashian’s just helping out her fellow member.

Another headline suggests something more biological is to blame: Kim Kardashian Finds Jessica Simpson Hot.

With that headline, I don’t think my sex-drunk (more accurately, drunk with the thought of sex, not the actual act. I don’t want to give the impression I’m something that I’m not—attractive), 22-year-old mind can be blamed for drifting away from one stimulus in hopes of a more physically rewarding one. But that may just be an excuse. As a long-time apologist for the under-sexed and over-masturbated among us, I would argue it’s a good excuse, too. We’re men and men will risk major bodily harm to even get a chance to see two girls kiss.

But libidinous reasons ARE more forgivable. We can’t help but retain some of our animalistic qualities. I won’t rebuke anyone for letting his penis (or her vagina, I suppose, but it would be much harder to accomplish, I think) do the clicking.

I do find something morally reprehensible about reading celebrity gossip for the sake of reading celebrity gossip. A general interest in that sort of bullshit seems very foreign to me, and that may explain my adverse reaction, but I think my little digital detour this morning says something more about our nation as a whole—and if it doesn't I'm probably just going to keep trying until I trick myself into think their is some strained connection.

We are easily distracted. And that’s partially our fault. The circular argument would go something like this:

“But there’s a lot of this celebrity stuff out there to get distracted by.”

“Well, there wouldn’t be so much if there wasn’t a market for it.”

It’s the “Which came first, Kim Kardashian or her ass” question, and it’s a trap someone raging about this notion can easily fall into, which is exactly what I did. I tend to place all blame on the consumer, though. If we decide things are a viable profit factory, then the cogs will turn, churning out whatever it may be—Jerry Bruckheimer movies, Beanie Babies, or celebrity gossip. And if you didn’t know this before (god help your naïve soul, I hope you didn’t put all your eggs in that Publisher’s Clearing House basket), news, like every business, is about one thing—money.

As the consumers, we are the ones who decide what’s important. So—and this is the big, bullshit call to action you’ve been waiting for—don’t read that shit. Unless it’s for the purpose of satirizing it later. I don’t want to sound like I’m advocating a politics-and-news-inspired boredom, though. I’m not. It’s not long before I too have to jump out of the political above-ground pool because my fingers and toes prune at a rather rapid pace, ruining the experience.

Broaden your scope, I’m all for it. Pop culture is OK, because it has some relevancy in the grand scheme of things. Sports are OK, even. Those things have some value—others would disagree, but those people are even a little further up their own asses than I am. The only important thing that I’m trying to get across in all this rambling is that we, as a society, need to start figuring out what is important, what’s for fun and what’s simply fodder for parody—and that all three things are valid reasons for consuming the media they’re associate with.

So there’s my answer to the question I asked earlier (the one you’ve no doubt forgotten) about reading simply to make fun of. It’s also very hard to read any news when they have the picture below (courtesy of Google News, and originally a PETA ad on PETA.org) on your page.

Who says the Internet is a God-less wasteland?

We now live in a world where the Pope has his own YouTube channel. I’m assuming we’re calling this PopeTube, because — as a people — we’re super fucking creative.

According to a couple of wire stories, the channel will only feature brief videos of the Pope’s daily activities. Doesn’t he just pray all the time, and occasionally mumble dogma from his balcony? Now that’s compelling video. Just some old man talking to God all day. We’d much rather watch that than a video of a panda sneezing, or a monkey pissing in it’s own mouth.

Why watch fat people break dance, when you can watch Pope Benedict do … whatever he does—light some candles, read the Bible, say Hail Marys, do Pope things? The only high-octane viral video would be him cruising the Pope Mobile around. Now that’s heart-stopping entertainment.

Despite the certain handicaps that come with providing daily videos of the Pope — no sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll or the like — PopeTube should be wildly popular. He has a built-in following that have done way, way crazier things than watch boring videos in the name of the Pope. They killed people. Lots of them. And didn’t have sex until marriage.

There’s enough Catholic religious guilt to make the Pope’s videos even more popular than Lightsaber Fight Kid could ever imagine. “Oh, you don’t like Pope Prayer43, huh? You didn’t embed it on your MySpace, or email it to the requisite 12 friends — like the amount of disciples, idiot — so you get to spend an eternity listening to Kajagoogoo in purgatory. That’ll teach you to not digg the Pope.” But, as a conduit to God, I’m not sure the Pope really needs the fake-importance that comes standard on any model of ‘Netelebrity.

I think the real question that needs to be asked is: What does it mean for the future of online communication when the Pope has a YouTube channel?

Some would say it’s a sign of the old establishment finally accepting the realities of this 21st Century digital world. Those people are fucking stupid. I’ll tell you what this means — complete and utter disaster.

Anytime parents take a liking to something their kids had previously staked claim to as their own, the kids have no choice but to emphatically renounce their once-beloved thing and mark it as OMG SOOOOO LAME!!!! Applying that universal truth to this situation, there has to be the same sort of youthful rebellion, but this time, on a much grander scale.

If youth thought it was bad when their parents and other adults started getting on MySpace and Facebook — which is something we’ll get to momentarily (or longer, depending on your ability to read) — just think of the backlash caused by a super old, super lame man with an antiquated wardrobe, having his own YouTube channel.

It’s going to get worse, though. An archbishop in charge of Vatican communications said he couldn’t rule out the possibility that they would someday have a Facebook page, too.

What the fuck are Papal status updates going to look like?

- Pope Benedict is chillin’ like a villain with the G man.

- Pope Benedict is probably going to pray before he hits the sack.

- Pope Benedict (mobile) is OMG the Jonas Brothers ROCK!!!

He’s bound to add some applications. Could you send the Pope a drink? Compare your likes? Rank the Pope as the best body of anyone in your network? Will Catholics even have to venture out to do missionary work anymore, or does suggesting the Pope as a friend serve as a suitable replacement for more traditional forms of proselytizing?

I guess the real question is, will there be a Hail Mary application for those who have already confessed their sins on their blogs?

A fuzzy Russian hat: Change we can believe in

The speech was good. The crowd was big. And, as a country, we’re officially like a porn star — sans Bush.

You’ve heard all the analysis. Was the speech allusive enough? The tone business instead of pleasure? How cute was Michelle’s dress? Why do we give a fuck about said dress? That’s why I’m not going to repeat it here.

Instead, I want to delve into some of the questions that will probably remain unanswered unless they are brought up here. So on we go, lest we let one minutia of political occurrence go unfucked-with.

Note: These questions and attempted answers are ranked in order of my perceived importance.

1. What the fuck was HW doing wearing that goddamned hat?

There are a couple possible explanations why No. 41 would have chosen to wear a small rodent on his head. He could have been making a statement about communism or just shouting out to some Russian czar he knew during his college years. Possibly, Bush1 just finished the fucking Iditarod.

Was he just a senile old man making a terrible fashion decision? We’re probably lucky he didn’t come in one of Barbara’s dresses, too. Or was it a conscious decision and expression of fatherly love? Because wearing that hat almost took my attention off how shitty his son was as a president. Only for a second, though.

2. Why was Cheney in a wheelchair?

They say it was from moving boxes. I don’t buy it. That’s just the news media speculating. Was his inability to walk a product of his being too tired — and his legs and back too sore — from fucking the country for the last eight years? It could be a visual metaphor for how he and Bush left the country crippled. Maybe he got shot, which would be poetic justice. Either way, I’m sure we’ll never know the truth because, like everything else, the bastard classified the information.

3. Who’s happier: Bush, or the world?

Bush is happier. The world is, no doubt, incredibly relieved, but way too far down in the quickshit to conjure up any feelings resembling happiness.

4. Can you rhyme with Rev. Lowery?

In probably the best moment of the whole ceremony, the old Civil Rights leader showed why black people are cooler than white people. Just think, if Pat Robertson tried to pull off that shit, Jesus would have had to come back just to stop the atrocity.


5. Can Roberts still be considered a strict constructionist after his reading of the oath today?

No. He can still be considered a dumbass, though.

6. Did anyone get the poem?

Not unless you graduated in English Lit, but chances are, you were too busy adding foam to America’s cappaccinos to do a line-by-line analysis.

7. How shitty does Al Gore look?

Here’s an inconvenient truth, Albert: looking at you is like having Bush the Broccoli Hater rip your pubic hair out — one by one — to make his crazy commie headwear.

Being the president ages a man. And seeing the shape Gore’s in after NOT being the president for the last eight years, we might have dodged a real bullet — thanks Katherine Harris.

8. Why didn’t they replace the cello shit with a rap video?

They could have had Obama pouring out some champagne on Sarah Palin, who is chained to a stripper pole. Maybe get Rev. Wright involved, Bill Aires, too.

9. Did Aretha wear enough bow for the rest of the country?

She filled the world’s bow-wearing quota for the next four years.

10. When did Bob Bennett become so important?

They must not have been able to find a more fiendish-looking Mr. Burns clone to hover ominously during the inauguration. Bob Bennett isn’t even important in the Utah delegation, let alone the US Government as a whole. Maybe they just needed someone there that looked worse than Cheney and Gore.

An SAT question: Sports is to Politics as Oil is to BLANK.

I’m constantly baffled by the complete and utter stupidity of the people around me. But what’s incredibly frustrating — and not particularly baffling, at all — is our ability to pick leaders and elected officials who are even fucking stupider than we are.

Case in point: The Bowl Championship Series debacle.

Q: Why in the unholy fuck do we need politicians to get involved in this shit? Don’t we have anything better to do?

A: Refer to the opening paragraph.

President-elect Barack Obama is now President Obama (ending the hyphen’s 15 minutes of punctuation fame) and he has at least 700 billion things more important to worry about than the way college football hands out its national championship trophy.

Taking a shit in a bag, lighting that bag on fire and placing the flaming bag of human shit on Rush Limbaugh’s porch should be a higher priority than the BCS.

For once, I actually have faith Obama may be able to figure that out — and there’s recent evidence to prove that the BCS/playoff debate isn’t high on his list. Kudos to him for being an anomaly in the political story problem: What do you get when you have 100 million idiots pick someone to rule them (hint: Use the formula, stupid^9)?

In the grand scheme of things, college football don’t mean shit. And that’s coming from someone who loves the game — a person so incapacitated by college and professional football that he rarely leaves the couch to eat during fall weekends.

Although I love football, I’d also still like to have a place to live and something in my fridge to eat — since I occasionally muster the energy to remove myself from my couch during halftime or one of the 65 booth reviews during the game. It just seems like something a little more crucial to the survival of society — not even “society as we know it,” just the fucking survival of the American Experiment — should take precedence over spread offenses and nickel defenses.

Here in Utah, our attorney general, Mark Shurtleff, apparently has nothing better to do than follow up a fucking great victory by the University of Utah Utes with the potential of bullshit anti-trust litigation against the BCS.

Fuck budget crunches, we have to avenge the Utes. No amount of money will be too much to bring home what is rightfully ours. Shurtleff should be placed in stocks in a public square so people can throw old dog shit at him — and I want to see bruises.

And, as much as I’d like to see the Utes be the National Champions — or at least have the chance to play for it — we need to face some facts, namely, Florida is a better team. They just are. In a head-to-head matchup, Florida wins. Maybe not by 20, but probably by 19.

All that aside, what the fuck does Shurtleff think he’s going to accomplish, besides wasting a shitload of taxpayer time and money? Tear the BCS down? Singlehandedly create a playoff system? It still doesn’t change the fact that the big, stupid, crystal football was handed to the Gators.

I understand we live in an entirely too litigious society. Maybe by throwing around words like ‘anti-trust,’ they are trying to make this whole thing seem legitimate. But I don’t buy it. It smells akin to the other festering, fecal lawsuits that regularly filed against fast food restaurants by the morbidly obese. I’d usually say it’s bullshit, but I think hogshit works better, in this case.

We shouldn’t be surprised, though. Sports has leaked into the political arena in the not-so-distant past. Remember the steroids hearings? I sure as hell do.

Congress wasted its time, and ours, trying to ascertain if human bobble head dolls like Mark McGwire, Rodger Clemens, Barry Bonds — although he wasn’t present, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t on trial — and other purveyors of our national pastime took steroids. My profane refrain from those hearings still reverberates — at lest in my head — Goddamnit, who the fuck cares? So what if these bastards took steroids? In hindsight, wouldn’t an investigation of predatory lending practices have been a much more meaningful use of congressional time and energy?

Those questions are the same ones I asked earlier — the only difference being a larger ball and not as much talk of asses getting stuck with hypodermic needles.

Could all of this be a little funny? Sure, if it wasn’t so fucking stupid. And serious. This situation is rife with potential parodies. I’m just a little too pissed to write one, at the moment — I’m sure one will come to me.

Don’t get me wrong, though, sports are awesome, and I’m a fanatic. Without it, I’d probably have to get into American Idol or develop some sort of game-show watching habit. But we’re just talking about sports. Sometimes, we have bigger things to worry about.