Reality TV stars get married, for real. We think.

The gays are getting married in Iowa. Well, that probably effectively eliminates the Hawkeye State from getting a spot on the Glenn Beck Comedy Extravaganza Tour — you know, the one that will make Carlos Mencia look like Richard fucking Pryor, by comparison. OK, maybe not Pryor. But George Lopez.

Frankly, I’m happy for those same-sex couples getting hitched in Iowa. And, maybe that will soften the rest of the often-frigid Midwest to the idea that same-sex couples deserve to have the same rights as straight couples.

After all, if Spencer and Heidi — from The Hills’ fame — are allowed to get married, gay and lesbian couples definitely should be able to.

I’m much more comfortable with the idea of millions of loving same-sex couples finally getting to honor their feelings in the same way straight couples have been allowed to for hundreds of years than the thought of a blond-white-goateed Willem-Dafoe knockoff marrying a skeleton with breast implants. Here’s an idea: let’s ban fake-reality-TV-star marriage.

If you think a man marrying another man is trampling on the sacred institution of marriage, but don’t think a wedding between two hologram-thin caricatures of the decline of humanity — not to mention a divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, nationally — has any affect on the bonds of matrimony, you probably already have your Glenn Beck standup tickets.

The whole Spencer and Heidi thing could just be scripted. The rest of their fucking lives seem to be. Instead of following the fake-celebrity-marriage bullshit as it plays out on the covers of check-stand publications, why not watch some real-life love stories finally get the socially legitimate ending the protagonists have been seeing in the movies since the invention of the medium?

Oh God! I just had this horrible thought: what if these Hills “stars” multiply? They’ll spit out a dozen new reality TV personalities that will work in packs to lower the collective IQ of the country another 50 points. We’ll barely have the brainpower to run all of our basic functions. I’d much rather my kid be a homosexual than a reality TV star.



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