I bet Paul Krugman gets laid all the time

As it sits right now, the Dow is up 158 points on the day, to 7,908.07. That number has changed 12 times since I put the period at the end of that sentence, and it will fluctuate roughly 36 million more times before I finish typing this.

It’s up. It’s down. You see, the stock market is like a woman, and a very fickle one, at that. She’s up one minute, paying dividends, smiling and making sandwiches. The next minute, she’s down. Ruining your life. Squandering your fortune. Not smiling or making sandwiches.

But it’s not totally like a woman. You don’t fuck the stock market; the stock market fucks you.

Lately, though, after it dipped below 7,000, the market has been rallying — and, like me, doing a lot less fucking these days. I keep hearing that this gain is due to the more positive news we’ve been hearing lately. The truth is, nobody can tell for sure.

The economy is weird. I don’t completely understand it — again, like a woman. I know it has certain parts, and those parts interact with each other in some mysterious way. But I don’t have a goddamn clue as to how those interactions create noticeable, outward reactions.

For me, the current stock market surge is like the female orgasm. Something caused it. It may have been something we did. It may have just been an accident. Or there may be divinity at work. The one thing we can be sure of is that the way we caused this one, definitely won’t work next time.

The only real thing I understand about the economy is that consumer confidence is huge. It’s flowers, chocolates and diamonds all rolled into one.

If we believe the economy is doing well, then it its. It’s the placebo effect. I believe this shitty male enhancement pill works, so it works. That might not be the best pharmaceutical example, actually. But the underlying philosophy is accurate.

I wish more things in my life worked like consumer confidence and the economy. I think I should be having sex with Scarlett Johansson, so I’m actually having sex with Scarlett Johansson. I think I really should be six inches taller, so I grow six inches. I think I should have enough hair to finally make paying $15 for a haircut actually seem like a sensible thing to do, and, voila, my hair starts growing again.

All of that stuff may just be a collection of pipe dreams, but there is one case where something in my life mimics the relationship between consumer confidence and the economy. And, again, it’s the female orgasm. I may not understand them, but when I think I gave a girl an orgasm, I gave a girl an orgasm. And that’s the truth — as long as you don’t ask her opinion on the matter.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 2
comedycentral.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor