We always lose the ones we love

With heavy hearts and tear-filled eyes, we announce the passing of Sarah Palin’s 2012 presidential aspirations. They were brutally murdered Friday, July 3 at a news conference where Palin announced her resignation as governor of Alaska.

Born sometime during the middle of the 2008 McCain-Palin campaign, her presidential aspirations for 2012 were resilient, even at birth. Early in life, they fought through the tough situations the aspiration’s older siblings — Palin’s mouth and her lack of a basic knowledge of civics — often put them in.

Her presidential aspirations came into their own near the end of the 2008 campaign when they pushed Palin to go rogue. It was a great time for them. But, times wouldn’t stay this happy forever. They were blamed for the 2008 election-night defeat she was more than partially responsible for. Her aspirations have also sucked her into several public controversies, including a recent spat with David Letterman.

Despite their complete lack of a sense of humor, her political aspirations will be missed by Republicans and Democrats alike. Those on the right will now have to find new political eye candy, while the left may face at least a half-competent opponent in 2012.

Palin’s 2012 presidential aspirations are survived by her husband, Todd; her five children, Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig; a book deal; the hopes and dreams of the SNL writer’s room; myriad corporate speaking gigs; a sticky copy of Who’s Nailin’ Palin; and several gallons of moose chili.

Report: White people still not certain what Cinco de Mayo is really about

WASHINGTON — Americans will drink tequila and eat guacamole today to celebrate a holiday a new report says few Caucasians completely understand.

“Even halfway through the research, it became pretty clear that white people have little-to-no clue about the reason Mexicans celebrate Cinco de Mayo,” said Juan Tavares, president of The Mexican Coalition for Understanding — the organization that commissioned the study. “Most non-Mexicans only thought it was a festival centered either around tequila or seven-layer dip. Piñatas were also frequently mentioned.”

Many Americans who ventured an actual guess as to the celebration’s origins thought it was Mexico’s Independence Day, which is actually on September 16. But, the Cinco de Mayo holiday actually commemorates the over-matched Mexican army’s defeat of powerful French forces on May 5, 1862 in the Battle of Puebla.

In fact, the holiday is primarily celebrated in the state of Puebla and sporadically throughout the rest of the country.

“I know it has something to do with Mexico, that’s why I’m buying the three T’s — tortillas, Tecate and tequila — but that’s all I really know,” Steve Wilson said.

Wilson, a 25-year-old TV salesman at the Silver Springs Best Buy, is planning a fiesta with his girlfriend and an overwhelmingly white collection of their friends. It was unclear whether there would be a piñata, but Wilson said, for sure, he would be taking tomorrow off with a “huge ass tequila hangover.”

According to Tavares, this is a pretty typical gringo celebration of Cinco de Mayo. Most white people get together at what they call a fiesta, buy some brightly colored paper plates, wear sombreros, drink tequila — to excess — drunkenly swing at piñatas and eat chips, salsa, guacamole, he added.

Although it is the most visible sign of the gringo’s misunderstanding of Cinco de Mayo, it certainly isn’t the only one.

“I love Cinco de Mayo, but I’ve always kind of wondered why it was on May 5th every year,” Wilson said.

General Motors gets a little more specific

Yesterday was sad. GM announced it plans on cutting 21,000 jobs and four brands in an attempt dredge some profitability out of the murky waters of near-bankruptcy. Soon, we’ll also be sorrowfully waving bye-bye to Pontiac, Saturn, Saab and Hummer.

This really marks the end for those dedicated few still waiting for the release of a new Pontiac Aztek. And, with the phase-out of Hummer, experts are estimating that it will now be 143 percent harder to automatically identify a douchebag.

“Without Hummers, douchebags may be forced to drive ‘normal people’ cars — hiding themselves from the untrained eye,” said David Baker, the head of the automotive division of The Douche Institute — a not-for-profit that works to educate the public about how to identify and avoid a douchebag. “But the period of blending in won’t be long. You can never underestimate the doucheyness of these douchebags. The Hummer may be gone, but they’ll find another vehicle to turn into a lighthouse for douchebags and humongous fucking tools everywhere.”

The loss of the Saab brand also pangs my heart a bit. Where are the pretentious going to put their “You must be Categorically Impaired” bumper stickers? Or their “Fair Trade or NO Trade” stickers? What will become of all the unstuck “Gore/Leibermann 2000” and “My other car is a compost-and-hummus-burning motorized unicycle” bumper stickers? I guess they’ll all have to be framed and hung over the stacks of Morrissey, Radiohead and Dave Matthews Band CDs, or encased in the glass coffee tables that hold America’s stacks of McSweeney’s Quarterlies.